7.10.13

Why I don't do guilt anymore:

I Don’t Do Guilt


My cousin Silas Earl and I had been swimming in the creek. It was time for him to go home. I thought it would be fun to put something down his shirt so I scooped up a water skipper and slipped it down his collar. It wasn’t funny like I thought – the skipper bit him. I didn’t know they would bite. I felt bad about it. He and his family left. I’m hanging back and not saying good bye, because I’m sorry and ashamed. That was the last time I ever saw him alive.

Within a week or two we heard that he had the Mumps, a week, or two after that he had Scarlet Fever along with the Mumps. A week or two later he died. I simply refused to believe he was dead. The day came for the funeral and everyone was dressed to go –except me. When Dad asked me why I wasn’t ready I explained that if I didn’t go I could go on believing that he was alive. I could believe that any day Uncle Latent would come driving down our road with Silas Earl and he and I could go back to pulling pranks on each other.

Dad sat down next to me and taught me a few things.

He told me that death is not a thing to fear. We all die. From the moment we begin to breath we begin to die. In fact we came here to die. It doesn’t matter when we die, if we are young or old, the important thing is how we lived our life. If we have lived our life with honesty and truth then God will welcome us home and say well done thou good and faithful servant.

I have never feared death since.

The other thing he said was that we don’t go to the funeral for the person who died but for those left behind. We go to show respect and Aunt Hazel and Uncle Latent were going to be very hurt if I wasn’t there.

The third thing I learned from this experience took some time to sink in. When Silas Earl left that day I was sorry and ashamed and I never got the chance to say that. It took years before I realized he had forgave me. But it taught me to keep the slate clean and never carry guilt. Always say sorry, I forgive you, and I love you right then – at the time – because you may never get the chance again. Always be honest about it, repent, and forgive yourself. Keep the slate clean and don’t do guilt.












17.5.13

Finding the Right Bus

I have a son who was born visually impaired. He didn't look handicapped. When he went to school, his peers made fun of him because he had to get right up to the school buses in order to see the number on each bus. Only the bus with the right number on it would bring him safely home.

We are surrounded by people like my son, whose problems can't be seen. I just read some alarming statistics about depression, abuse, addiction and suicide in the state of Utah. All of these individuals have areas of their lives that are not desirable and yet somehow they must find their way safely back home. I was not there to help my son, his teachers were busy with other task, his brother and sister and childhood friends went to a different school. This was something he had to do for himself and it didn't help to have kids make fun of him.

Gaining your own testimony, overcoming your fears, and having faith is like finding the right bus. The road back home may not be easy even when you are on the right bus, but how much better to be on the right bus than still waiting at the bus stop. God lives. He loves us and has prepared every needful thing for our return. For this I am thankful.

Ceil DeYoung
















26.8.12

Is there someone in your life who is driving you crazy?

Three years ago, I was friends with an individual who was literally driving me crazy. Maybe I should not even say we were friends. We were acquaintances because there was no bond between us not in the way there is with friends. We weren’t married and we were never lovers. We enjoyed time together but that was where the friendship ended. He was very helpful but whatever the situation he was always charming and entertaining.


He cared, or at least he said he did, about my family and friends. Actually, he did a lot of good but he was not in it for the long haul. If it suited him to be present, he was there but if one came to depend on him, he was gone in a flash. He didn’t make excuses like — I didn’t show because the alarm didn’t go off or whatever. He said he didn’t show because I made him uncomfortable. In other words, it was my fault. I had crossed his boundaries whatever that meant. He was literally driving me crazy.

I am a logical person and his behavior was illogical to me so I went on the internet searching for answers and found Kim and Steve. As I read the material, I could not believe how accurately they described this person. Kim and Steve are a husband and wife team and Steve used to drive Kim crazy in exactly the way this acquaintance of mine drove me crazy –same words, same behavior in many examples.

Confabulation, noun, meaning to converse or to speak. In psychology a fabricated narration told as truth.

Example

During an argument with his wife Al stated, “Jim threatened to kill me.”

“I don’t believe that,” Sue responded “Why would he want to kill you?”

“Because he’s having an affair with you and wants me out of the way.”

“That’s crazy. Why would you think that?”

“Because I heard you tell Alice you wanted to move in with him.”

“I did no such thing.” Sue grabbed her phone and began dialing. “Alice, did I ever say to you that I wanted to move in with Jim?”

Alice answered, “No.”

“Would you please tell Al that?” Sue offered the phone to Al and he refused to take it.


Gaslighting, verb, meaning arrogant intimidation. Stalling. Psychological abuse in which one individual tries to make another individual believe an untruth.

Example

Sally truly loved everyone including Jack. She thought of the young man as her son and always invited him to family gatherings. The grandchildren loved to have Jack come and he seemed to enjoy being with them. Then he stopped visiting with them. When Sally asked him about it he made it her fault claiming she had crossed his boundaries. Sally was confused and while she did not understand how it could be her fault or where these boundaries suddenly came from she cried and apologized profusely.

Stonewalling, verb. Delaying tactics. Refusing to talk. Ignoring request or questions.

Example

When asked about her behavior Jane stated, “I have no need to defend myself.” Another time she said, “I have no desire to help you understand anything.”

At one time Kim Cooper was being stonewalled by her husband Steve. As you can imagine this made life very disorganized and confusing. Kim loved Steve and did not want the marriage to end in divorce but things could not go on the way they were. By following her insides Kim was able to make some changes in her own life that eventually caused Steve to change.

Today Kim and Steve run a web site that offers help to those who love someone with similar problems. Steve now talks openly about the tactics he used to keep Kim confused so that he could feel safe with her. Together they are able to help both the abuser and the abused as they relate their experiences in the e-books, weekly emails and videos offered on the site.

When Kim began to change she set some ground rules to protect her self and the children. She then let Steve know that she loved him but she would not allow him to treat her as he had before. As her focus moved from trying to please Steve to being the person she was meant to be she stopped crying and getting hurt and angry. As a result she could see through his confabulations and didn’t let them stop her from her own individual path. This took time and Kim admits she made a lot of mistakes along the way but when Steve found he couldn’t push her buttons anymore he began to change as well.

As in the example of gaslighting given above many people wonder if they are the one starting the fights. Kim has three questions that helps one find out if they are the abuser. After years of research and studies she also has answers in either case. You can find Kim and Steve Cooper on Facebook or go directly to their site at http://www.narcissismcured.com



27.6.12

The Downward Spiral

How fragile our testimonies are and yet the scriptures tell us over and over again what we need to do to keep them strong. In the words of King Benjamin salvation comes to him (or her) that “trust in the Lord, and . . . (is) diligent in keeping his commandments and continue (s) in the faith even unto the end of his life.” (Mosiah 4:6)


How easy it is to let our daily problems keep us from the things we should do. Once we begin the downward spiral we don’t even notice the withdrawal of the Spirit. When my husband of 43 years died, I went into a comma, spiritually speaking. Oh, I came to church every Sunday, I read my Book of Mormon, and I did my visiting teaching but something was different. I said I was coasting but in truth, I was slipping. I finally came to the point where I thought about taking my own life. In my darkest moment, a sister called me. It wasn’t convenient for her to call me in the middle of fixing the evening meal and getting her children ready for a school activity but she felt prompted. I am forever grateful she was living close to the Spirit and made that call. Slowly I have awakened to a remembrance of the goodness of the Lord and the sweetness of his mercy. How I love Alma 17:2 where Alma the younger met up with the sons of Mosiah. “And what added more to his joy, they were still his brethren in the Lord, yea they had waxed strong in the knowledge of the truth.” May it be so for each of us and for those we love. In the name of Jesus Christ, amen.


15.12.10

Jealousy

Jealousy is the opposite of love.

Love says, I care about you.

Jealousy says, I care about me. I care about what you can do for me, and how you make me feel. Jealousy says you are my possession. You can’t think your own thoughts, and you can’t leave .

Love says I care about you just the way you are. I accept you with all your strengths and weakness. I don’t own you. You are free to make your own decisions. I like it when you agree with me, I like it we are together and the way I feel when you are near but that must be real. It must be what you want. I don’t want you if I have to force you to hang around. I don’t want you if you don’t want me.

Jealousy is about self. Love is about others as well as self.

Unless you are looking for adventure and a lot of drama run like crazy from a relationship with a jealous person.
Are you in a jealous relationship?

2.12.10

Love and Relationships

Love and Relationships


Sex really is not the most important thing in the world, or even in a marriage. What is of far more importance is how the people treat each other. Do they have respect, for each other, are they honest with each other, or are they controlling, jealous or self- centered? Do they support each other, believe in each other, help each other and encourage each other to grow? Can they talk about things, do they care about the other person’s welfare, and do they show love more than say it?

Don’t buy me gifts, and don’t tell me you love me. Well, you can say it sometimes but hold me when I cry, help me up when I stumble, talk to me. Share with me your bad day, your accomplishments, your dreams, your needs, and allow me to share those same feelings with you.

Love is not exclusive. I believe that if a person has that kind of love in a marriage they will have the same kind of love for others. I don’t think a controlling self-centered, jealous person changes just because of a certificate or marriage vows. Specifically, I am saying I love my children, my neighbor and everyone the same way I loved my husband but intimate relations are separate.
Intimate relations then are in addition to love. They become special, meaningful, binding, sacred and only for my spouse. That relationship is the result of love and commitment not the reason for it. In other words the intimate relationship should come about as the result of commitment. Intimate relationships without commitment, without the kind of love described above are meaningless. Such relationships are like an ice cream bar on a hot day. They melt fast and are soon gone. That is exactly what some people want and that’s fine. But commitment is meat and potatoes all the time. To me this is far more a meaningful love.
Do you agree or disagree?
 ~ Ceil



Ceil

22.11.10

When Love Makes You Crazy

The examples given below are actual dialogue from my life experiences. Names have been changed. These defense tactics, whether used by a child, spouse, sibling or other, work all too well but if you know about them, you don’t have to be the victim. I am so grateful that I found Kim and Steve Cooper and grew a backbone. Do any of these examples sound familiar?
Example:
During an argument with his wife Al stated, “Jim threatened me.”
“I don’t believe that,” Sue responded “Why would he do that?”
“Because he’s having an affair with you and wants me out of the way.”
“That’s crazy. Why would you think that?”
“Because I heard you tell Alice you wanted to move in with him.”
“I did no such thing.”

Defense Tactic: Confabulation, noun, meaning to converse or to speak. In psychology a fabricated narration told as truth.

Sue grabbed the phone and began dialing. “Alice, did I ever say to you that I wanted to move in with Jim?”
Alice answered, “No.”
“Would you please tell Al that?” Sue offered the phone to Al and he refused to take it.

Example:

Sally truly loved everyone including Jack. She thought of him as her son and always invited him to family gatherings. The grandchildren loved to have Jack come and he seemed to enjoy being with them. Sudenly he stopped visiting and when Sally asked him about it he made it her fault. While Sally did not understand what she had done to cause this, she cried and apologized profusely.

Defense Tactic: Gaslighting, verb, meaning arrogant intimidation. Stalling. Psychological abuse in which one individual tries to make another individual believe an untruth.

Example:

When asked about her behavior Jane stated, “I have no need to defend myself.” Another time she said, “I have no desire to help you understand anything.”

Defense Tactic: Stonewalling, verb. Delaying tactics. Refusing to talk. Ignoring request or questions.

At one time Kim Cooper was being stonewalled by her husband Steve. As you can imagine this made life very disorganized and confusing. Kim loved Steve and did not want the marriage to end in divorce but things could not go on the way they were. By following her insides Kim was able to make some changes in her own life that eventually caused Steve to change.

Today Kim and Steve run a web site that offers help to those who love someone with similar problems. Steve now talks openly about the tactics he used to keep Kim confused so that he could feel safe with her and continue his double life. Together they are now able to help both the abuser and the abused as they relate their experiences in the e-books, weekly emails and videos offered on the site.

As in the example of gaslighting given above, many people wonder if they are the one starting the fights. Kim has three questions that accurately identifies the abuser from the abused. In the search for her own answers, Kim has taken the advice of professionals and put it into layman’s terms in her e-books. You can find Kim and Steve Cooper on Facebook http://www.facebook.com/#!/pages/Kim-and-Steve-Cooper-of-Fightbusters-and-The-Love-Safety-Net/118928306447 or go directly to their site at http://www.narcissismcured.com
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